Alcoholics and addicts are called upon to learn new living skills to replace the roles chemicals play in their lives. One of the most important skills to be acquired in early recovery are effective communication and relationship skills.

Assertiveness is essential to communication and relationship skills. This self-assured style involves not only the ability to stand up for one’s rights without compromising the rights of others, but also the ability to say “no” without feeling guilty. It involves taking responsibility for one’s own feelings, behaviors, decisions, actions, and reactions, while relinquishing responsibility for the same things in others. It includes the ability to appropriately express a full range of emotions to others.

Assertive and self-confident behavior involves the ability to openly, honestly, and directly express one’s wants and needs. Setting firm boundaries does not involve building impenetrable walls. It informs others of your position, and defines a set of appropriate behavior in relation to you.

Negativity indicates a lack of self-confidence and assertiveness. It generally involves giving up one’s own rights, wants, or needs, or those of others. The absence of proper boundaries allows others to treat you as they want, no matter what you want.

Aggression includes encroaching on the boundaries of others to fulfill your wants and needs. It can include verbal, emotional, sexual, spiritual or intellectual abuse. This may include manipulation and dirty fighting tactics. People can also be passive-aggressive, that is, aggressive in a deceptive and covert way. Most often, it has to do with acting out your anger in a subtle way. The classic example is the typical backbiting, talking behind one’s back about the type of behavior you see in the world of work every day. Most people display this behavior from time to time. The following are examples of passive aggressive responses to a request that you do not want to do:

1. To say “Okay,” but not have any intention of doing so.

2. To say “Okay,” and intend to do it, but put it off until they finally do it themselves.

3. Saying “Okay,” and doing it, but doing a lousy job at it, and thinking “They’re never going to ask me to do that again.”

4. Saying “OK,” doing it, and doing a good job at it, but getting around everyone who complains about being forced in the first place.

5. Instead of saying no, give 15 excuses why you can’t do it and the real reason is that you don’t want to.

An appropriately assertive way to handle an unsolicited request is to say, “No, I don’t want to do that,” “No thanks,” or “No.” When you’re not used to being assertive, a simple “no” can feel aggressive.

Most people have certain areas of their lives where they feel confident that they can stand up for themselves. Even the least self-confident people have some areas where they can be assertive, and the most self-confident have some areas they just can’t seem to pull together.

The skills you use to be assertive in one area are transferable to other areas where you always seem to give up. All it takes to impart these skills is to “take a risk.” The danger is usually the fear of losing when you avoid trying to be assertive. This fear of loss is often related to a loss of respect or self-esteem, the loss of goods and services, or the loss of a relationship. Most of the time, the fear is out of proportion to the actual possibility of losing.

In order to see in which areas you have the least confidence in your ability to be assertive, ask yourself if you usually act confidently and assertively when you are engaged in the following circumstances:

1. Taking the phone away from telemarketers without listening to their sales pitch?

2. Return something defective to Wal-Mart?

3. Sent a steak that was not cooked the way you ordered?

4. Telling your neighbor “no” when they want to borrow something.

5. Setting boundaries with someone at work who tries to take advantage of your good nature by either trying to get you to do their work, or asking you to cover it up.

6. Negotiate changes in employment, either for more money or a change in working conditions.

7. Saying “no” to a sibling who wants something you don’t want to give them — time, energy, or other resources.

8. Saying “no” (and staying “no”) to a child who wants something that you don’t want to give, do, or buy.

9. Set boundaries with the previous generation (your parents or your spouse’s parents) when they want to interfere with your business where they don’t belong (eg money or marriage).

10. Firmly convey your feelings to your significant other who did something that hurt your feelings.

Can you see patterns in areas where you want to be assertive with confidence, and where you run into more trouble? what are they?

In what areas of difficulty can you achieve assertiveness by practicing the skills you already have? If I take a risk, what will happen?

Look at areas where you lack assertive confidence and ask yourself, “What was I not willing to risk?”

Often times, fear is not based in reality. If you find that you cannot be confidently assertive in close personal relationships, the risk is likely to be fear of abandonment. You may fear that these important people will not like you if you are honest with them or if you care about yourself.

Firmness is a worthwhile endeavor. Builds and enhances self-esteem. Passive-aggressiveness Passive-aggressiveness undermines self-esteem. Learning to be confident and competent in your relationships with others is an important recovery task. Confident and assertive communication is a component of acquiring these relationship skills.